Gary Chalk
Recently, my wife Jan and I purchased a gas fire table so we can look forward to enjoying cooler evenings on our patio.
“Gary, I am looking online at a nice fire table,” Jan said. “The problem is it comes unassembled, with a 30-page instruction book marked ‘Danger! Fire and Explosion Hazard!’”
“Jan, you are a university-educated mathematician, and detail oriented. What could possibly go wrong?”
“Gary, it is not me who I am worried about. It’s you. When a lightbulb needs to be replaced you get your hammer!”
With that we eagerly pressed ‘Complete Order.’
Jan and I were drunk with enthusiasm as we thought of enjoying wine under the stars, fireside. But we were absolutely nuts when we decided we could easily assemble the unit. What was I thinking?
Jan spent the first hour with the manual in her hand on Page 6: ‘Identify The Parts,’ which included ‘Part G: Wrench.’ The guy in China doubled over laughing when he identified this itty-bitty aluminum foil-grade piece of metal a wrench. He also mislabeled the ‘Ignition Control Knob’ because—guess what!—just like the lighters on barbecues they never friggin’ work!
Eventually, we got to ‘Page 8, Step 1.’ I checked to ensure the gas supply was turned off; and Jan double-checked the gas supply was turned off. You can never be too safe when you’re playing with fire.
Next up: ‘Page 8, Step 2: Attach Legs To The Metal Stand.’ Easy peasy, right? Well, it took us an hour—after all, this fire table has four legs.
When the legs were attached Jan took one look and said, “Gary, this cannot be correct. Our fire table looks like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. When we light it, the flames will point toward the guest bedroom.” We agreed to a ‘time-out’ to figure out the legs, more importantly, save our marriage!
We decided I would take the legs apart while Jan went inside to boil eggs for egg salad sandwiches for lunch. Before you could say ‘some assembly required’ Jan rejoined me, and we tore open the plastic bag of bolts, screws, washers, hexagon-shaped nuts, and wing nuts so they scattered all across the patio. Somehow wing nuts seemed appropriate, just saying.
Somewhere, between ‘16-Step Lighting Your Gas Fire Table’ and ‘60 Important Safety Instructions’—including ‘Must Conform with Propane and Storage Code CSA B149.2’—it happened…
Remember Jan was boiling eggs on the stove? Suddenly, the fire alarm screamed in the kitchen: the pot of eggs had boiled dry! Jan dashed inside—tripping over ‘Part 10: Lava Rocks,’ which bounced everywhere! Inside, Jan flailed a dish towel underneath the smoke detector, while I bravely connected the propane tank to the ‘Ignition Control Knob That Does Not Work.’
The time had come: I clicked the ‘Ignition Control Knob That Does Not Work’ and you know what happened? The ‘Ignition Control Knob That Does Not Work’ did as it was supposed to: nothing!
The adage, ‘Don’t play with fire. Be the fire’ does not apply to me: I can’t get the fire table to light.
Living Retired is written by humor columnist Gary Chalk.